You left him where?

WHAT'S UP?

It's been a long time, I know. You all must just miss me! G'head you can admit it...Like a hole in your heads, right? Yeah thought so...

Anyway... I have a story I want to tell you. I was seriously thinking about telling you about multiple orgasms... or, the lack thereof... BUT, I decided Nahhh... Maybe another time.

So here's the story...

I remembered it the other day and I had a good laugh over it.
When I was --hmm, 17, I took a trip with my father...and my boyfriend at the time. Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking... IVY, you had a boyfriend and he wasn't someone else's boyfriend? YEP, I sure as fuck did, however it didn't last very long...LOL

Ok, so I took a trip with my father and my boyfriend to Rochester, NY. Charlie was my boyfriend... Let me tell you a little bit about sweet Charlie. Yeah... Long hair, work boots, flannel, jeans, truck, leather motorcycle jacket...oh, and brush in hand... Yeah, I said brush... He was strange and well, it was the 80's, so there ya have it.

Anyway... Charlie LOVED me. Fucking hell did he fucking love me. He followed me everywhere, was jealous ALL the time and DROVE me nuts. He seriously annoyed the piss out of me.

Now, Rochester, NY is roughly six hours from where we lived. We were heading up there for my cousins college football game. The drive up was fine, we saw the game and that was fine, too... Oh, and let me mention, Mom was there and they (my parents) were separated at this point and she drove up with all my cousins, aunts and uncles etc...

So, we're walking back to the car and I decide I'm gonna sit in the back and take a nap.

Charlie, sweet Charlie, looks at me as we're getting in the car and says, "Remind me later I need to tell you something." And I say, "Oh, is everything okay? Are you upset with me?" Ya know... like a good little girlfriend... [Insert batting of eyes]

He replies "Nah, nah, it's fine. I'll tell you later."

So, we get in the car and Dad looks at him as we're pulling from the parking lot and says, "Why are you fucking with my daughter?" HUH? WHAT? And Charlie says, "I'm not."

So begins the tennis match…

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Daddy, please... it's fine."

"Shut up, Ivy."

"I want to know why you're fucking with my daughter. She now has to sit in the car for six fucking hours and wonder what it is you need to talk to her about."

Let me just say that my father grew up in Manhattan and ran with some rough crowds... You know... "friends." Anyway, he kinda sounds like Tony Soprano when gets like this... *shiver*

So the yelling begins... more of the tennis match and Charlie, the fucking moron says, "Stop the car I am getting out!"

This all happened in under 3 minutes. We weren't even a half mile from the college.

My father, being the bastard that he is, stops the car and says, "Get the fuck out!" Charlie says, "Come on babe." So I go to get out too.

My father turns around and slaps the death grip from hell on my arm, "DON'T YOU FUCKING MOVE!" And, yeah, I don't move 'cause I don't want to get my ass beat.

He drives off...

The mother fucker drives off and leaves my boyfriend there. Of course, I am freaking the fuck out. Needless to say the drive home, all six dreadful hours of it, was hell. Lots of yelling from him and lots of crying from me. Hey, I was a kid.

Now, let me tell you what the idiot does. Remember, I said we weren't even a half mile away from the school, right? So, instead of turning back the way we came, ya know, from the parking lot where my mother is still located with my family, the idiot heads in another direction.

Here's the mental image: Long hair, work boots, leather jacket, flannel underneath and, OH yeah - the fucking brush in his hand. He starts crossing the football field… Some jock calls him an asshole or something like that and Charlie decides to throw down with the guy... Then, he gets arrested.

Fast forward six hours, my father drops me off at home and I go into the house. My mother is there, she somehow beat us home, and I go in and begin crying hysterically; telling her the story. Of course, she is furious with my father because he deserted a minor six hours away from home. She called him and sliced into him too... Not that it mattered.

Apparently, when Charlie got arrested, his father was called and had to drive six hours to pick his ass up and then drive back home again. What fun for him... All because idiot wouldn't tell me something then and there, and then said "Let me out of the car," to a crazy man and then didn't run to where my mother was so he could get home. Moron.

Wow I tell ya, I know how to pick em'.

Ya know what he had to tell me? That one of our friends we thought had died, out in California somewhere, turned out to not be dead. It was just a rumor. Yeah, that surely was something he had to wait to tell me... Fucking idiot!

So, there's my story. Nothing fancy, sexual or scary... Well, kinda scary I suppose.
Have fun folks!

Don't do anything I wouldn't do... Which, of course, is pretty much everything.

Ivy

Get out of the closet!

What's up everyone?

Yeah, yeah I am back. Figured I would tell you all another tale.

Let's see...

Back in the early 90's I had a best friend and we were roommates. We were a bit wild then, single and screwing whoever we pleased. She's married now and all domesticated and shit. Me? Well, I'm still me, just a bit more mellow then I used to be.
So, we're out one night hanging at the club and I run into this guy that I knew from college and we were all hanging out.

He had two friends with him that I didn't know. One was a manager at this local hotel bar. The other I don't remember much about. Hell I barely knew the guy from college.

Later we ended up at the hotel bar that the other guy manages and hung out for a bit longer. Hotel guy and my friend are flirting and shit so the guy gets one of the rooms upstairs for us.

She tells hotel guy to lose the 3rd buddy with them. He does and the 4 of us go upstairs to the room.

She gets the bed with the hotel guy and I go into the bathroom with the guy I knew.
Anyway we do our thing right? And by the way, it wasn't even good... It sucked actually. Talk about your disappointing lays.

Oh it gets worse...after we were done the fucker looks at me and says, "Yeah, no worries... but I have herpes. You don't mind right?"

MOTHER FUCKER...I almost punched his face.

My Response... "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?"

He was kidding and I had made him wrap his package in latex but still.

Anyway...

We're getting dressed and we hear all this noise outside the bathroom door. I had no idea what the fuck was going on out there.

I open the door to my friend screaming that someone had been hiding in the closet.

"WHAT?! Fucking call the front desk!" I tell her and the hotel guy is trying to calm us down and saying, "No. No, you can’t call… It’s fine… It’s fine…"

"Like fucking hell it's fine."

So here is what happened while I was having a not so enjoyable time in the bathroom.

They were in bed... (Her and hotel guy) They had finished and she was on her back with him leaning over her... trying to be all stupid sweet… WHATEVER DUDE. LOL. Anyway she notices the closet door is open a little and it wasn't before. The doors were mirrored panels, the ones that slide from side to side, and tuck one behind the other.

So she asks hotel guy, "Dude why is the closet door open?"

"Hmm? What?" he replies.

She looks again and sees the door kind of shake a little and again says to him, "DUDE there is someone in the fucking closet!"

"Oh? No, no there's not."

"Fuck you! Yes there is!"

So, she gets up and grabs her knife. Yes, I said knife. We used to carry knives because... Well that's a story for a different day. I'll just say I was a bartender and we were young and got ourselves into precarious situations.. Yada, yada, blah, blah!

Anyway.

She grabs her knife and palms it with the blade pointed down and along her forearm and begins tip toeing over to the closet. She looks back at the dude in the bed and he's just sitting there, sheets pulled up to his eyes... Like a fucking little girl and totally scared of what she's going to do.

She walks right up to the closet door, stands very still in front of it… and the fucking thing closes RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!

She starts screaming. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CLOSET YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!"

The opposite door opens and the dude runs out and through the hotel room door into the hall. Of course she hasn't stopped yelling and did I mention she was naked?

Yeah… Butt fucking ass naked!

She yells, "WHAT! THE! FUCK! I could have just knifed someone!" as she is getting dressed.

This is about the time I came out of the bathroom.

So we leave and as we approach our car which is parked next to theirs she stops and says to the guy, "DUDE, the next time you want your friend to watch, you need to let me know." Holy shit, right?”

She remembered the green checkered flannel their friend had been wearing and realized it was him! The fucking twerp!

True story... Swear on my grandfather's grave!

So that's all I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed reading this one. I know I laughed a lot while writing it. Ahhh Memories!

Later,
Ivy